Mini Rant – What is a mom?

I’m going to do a little rant here.  I’m not going to name – names or anything like that but I’m pretty sure the person I’m going to rant about doesn’t know this blog exists so I feel safe venting here.


What makes a Mother – a Mom?

To me a mother is a woman who gives birth to a child.
A mom is a mother who takes care of a child.  Whether it is hers or not.  She takes the good and the bad.  The happiness and the sadness. The smiles and the tears.

To give birth to a child and not take care of that child is inconceivable to me.  I know there are situations where someone is incapable of doing so but the cause of my rant this is not so.  The person of my rant has 3 children, 3 year old twins (boy and girl) and a 1.5 year old boy.  She does not care for them, they live with their grandmother.  She does not send child support, she does not send diapers – she does not send anything but an occasional gift.  She sometimes visits them on their birthdays, and holidays – thus becoming “the cool mom”.  While the grandmother in this situation does not get the luxury of being “grandmom”.  She has to be the Mom of these children.

What annoys me is the mother boast frequently of how she loves being a mom.  If she was just trying the best for the children by having them live with the grandmother, it would be one thing – if she sent money back.  But she’s out partying, enjoying life – as if she never had kids.  I truly feel while she may love these kids, she’s not a mom.  Her mom is their mom.  I just don’t know.  It just frustrates me so!

Disclaimer:  Yes I know everyone, and every situation is different.  Yes I know there may be things I don’t know about this situation.  I fully accept this, which is why I vent here, instead of running my mouth off to the “mother” of this situation.  Although wish me luck because I’m going to her wedding in May.

The grandmother of this story does not get to be grandmom.  She has to be


5 Responses

  1. I agree with you on this. I was raised by my mother and father. Sadly my mother was (well still is) so mean, I can’t see her as much more than an egg donor. I hope my own never see me as a mother or egg donor….I want to be their mom forever.

  2. I totally agree! I don’t understand why some people even have kids! Its cruel. It would be understandable if she was sick or disabled and could not look after them, but to abandon them just for her own selfish reasons is not fair! I can understand your frustration, especially if you love the little ones. Poor babies.

  3. I agree too. She may think that she loves being a mam but truly she”s not. The fact that she’s so openly selfish can only be a good thing, just imagine if those beautiful kids had to live with her? How unhappy would their little lives be, interfering with her partying with such regularity?
    She may be the cool mam now, but those babies will grow. They’ll see her through older eyes, they’ll know that she had no time for them. When she’s older, too old for partying, not the hot young thing anymore and people begin to mock her when she’s still trying to party like it’s 1999 who will she have?
    The real kudos goes straight to grandma, her selfless dedication to those kids will reap their own rewards. It’s soo hard to take care of small people, i’m sure she felt her childrearing years were all behind her. Maybe you and your friends could help her out a little? Organise playdates? Offers of support, babysitting occasionally? It’s highly likely that she could feel isolated? No mams her age at the playground or playgroups. Torn between the love for her daughter and grandkids and unhappiness at her daughters behavior. If she had someone to share her burden, it might make life easier. She isn’t going to want to hear her daughter maligned, she knows all that her daughter is and is not.
    Give thanks to our mother that she put that wonderful grandma there for those little kids, to love them and care for them like they deserve. Making Grandmas like easier can only help that little family. a happy place for those kids to grow.
    (you never know, selfish mam might even see how you all help the kids and start taking more responsibiliy herself)

  4. My Birth Mother was a selfish woman , she abandoned me with my grandmother for many years then called cps and lied to get us back , saying my gran was senile. Cps landed me and my special needs brother back with HER , and the two REPLACEMENT CHildren she had while we were with gram. I love all my sibling no matter if they were replacements or not. Latter on my Birth mother abandoned me , and my gram was not allowed to care for me due to my Bit=rth mothers lies and i wound up being labeled a Emotionally injured state child , un-fosterable , unadoptable , unplaceable. I wound up relying on memories of everything my gram taught me to be a good person.

    In my heart my gram is the only real mother i have ever had.
    Years latter my birth mother poped into my life DEMANDING to be respected as my mother. That I had no right to block her from my life , nor those of my children.

    I Promptly told her she wasn’t my mother and to bugger off. A Restrainning order is now in place as well.

    That woman conceived me an a failed attempt to cement a source of money to her pocket via a man she had convinced was my father (And latter we found out otherwise)

    A Mother to me is the one who loved me. Encouraged me , instilled a love of education , who’s voice guides in my dreams , who’s words echo over the years and inspire and comfort me.

    My Gram is the only mother to me.
    Just because you can give birth dosn’t make you a mother.
    When you become a fixture in someones memory , when you become the person that others want to model after. That is when you are a mother.

    everyday I look at myself , and i see my gram , she is in everything i do , my food , my work , in the very fiber of my relationships.

    yet all that i am was instilled in the 11 years I had with her.
    and the only thing i every use my birthmother for in mylife , is a checklist of things i strive not to be.

  5. I definitely agree with what every one has said, thus far. My own Egg Donor only wanted to be a “mom” when it suited her…never calling on birthdays, Christmases (Shes is Christian, and one heck of a hypocrite) or any other occasion. My father sent her yearly photos, report cards, drawings I did, etc. and she claimed she never got a single one, until 2 years ago when she sent a box containing all of my childhood possessions she had (I lived with her until I was 6 months old so it wasn’t much) as well as all the photos and such my father has “not” sent her.

    I was taken to live with my grandmother, and although calling her such, she is who REALLY holds the place of MOM in my heart. It is her teachings and wisdom that made me the lady I am today, as well as the mom I one day hope to be.

    My egg donor claims I was brainwashed into not wanting to have a relationship with her. It was her own actions. For one example;
    As my sister was moving back to Ohio from California, she asked our egg donor (who she had spent most of her life with) to please fly my niece to Ohio so my then couple month old niece wouldn’t have to suffer the rigors of a week long road trip. My sister packed all my nieces necessary possessions from toys to diapers and clothes for our egg donor to take. (BTW she was unable to breast feed so that wasn’t a consideration) My egg donor then attempted to get my sister and brother-in-law to sign a document stating that if such and such a period of time went by (like 2 days or something) if they had not claimed my niece they would relinquish all parental rights to my egg donor, but still be required to pay for all the food, clothes, doctor visits and school supplies for my niece. She also told everyone that my sister had not sent a single article of clothing, toy, or diaper and claimed that my sister had never given her my nieces immunization records (which my stepfather later gave to my sister), therefore trying to make my sister seem the bad parent. That was the last in a long list of strikes against our egg donor.

    I am happy to have gotten to find out what a horrid person she was before I ever have had children because now I KNOW I never want her as a part in my life. I do not want her there for any event, from my hand-fasting/ marriage to the (hopefully) one day birth of my own children. It also encourages me to be different from her as well.

    She still believes herself to be the worlds best mom and feels the need to tell other people that we (my sister and I) are just horrid kids and nothing more. Instead of looking for every place she failed, I enjoy enhancing my memory with every place my grandmother succeeded. From teaching me to fold fitted sheets to setting an elaborate dinner table and how to have a formal tea, my grandma has been the person I have learned the most from. My father took me away from my mother and placed me at my grandmothers with him not to pawn me off on someone else, but because he knew he could never teach me how to be a lady and my grandmother could. My father helped me with all he could, but somethings, a father can’t do.

    Many times we have mothers who believe that just carrying a child makes them a great person and they don’t realize there is a lifetime of work and fun, relationships and learning that go with it. I may not be a mom yet, but I get a great joy from practicing with my niece and new nephew, and I am learning that it truly is a labour of love and not something you can be there when you “feel” like it.

    I congratulate and applaud all of you moms out there and encourage you to continue your labour of love and devotion to bring out the loving and caring in your children that we may have lacked. Encourage your kids to better their own in the same ways. It is truly a “do as I say and not as I do” encouragement for the next generation to become better then we are today.

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